Tru Stories

WindSky

Chapter 4 - Going Beyond Fear, into Love

Dear David,

I read this today on the Soul Progress message board. It was posted by a woman named Sophie:

I used to be married. I've done so much work on myself since the divorce (10 years ago). I want to get into a relationship again, but the men I meet are all non-committal and emotionally out of it. It's driving me crazy. I'm afraid that I'll die an old maid and never be able to make a relationship work.

The truth is, I don't even know what love is. I've never felt loved by anyone. I felt abandoned in my marriage. He didn't know me, he didn't SEE me. I was living alone, even while I was with him.

How do I make love work when deep down I still feel like a scared little girl who wishes her Daddy had been there?

Any words of wisdom?

I don't understand, David. Why are there so many beautiful, sensitive people in the world who want love, but so few who actually have it? Why is love so hard for people? There are so many people like Sophie. What will help them?

After I read her post, I decided to write to her. I told her that God loves her, and that even if she doesn't feel it now she should know it, and then she would soon feel it. I also told her that God is the only one who really knows her fully, and He loves every part of her.

I feel it's my duty to tell people that there is a God who loves; therefore true, unfailing love does exist. So that's what I'll say when I meet people like her, and I'll pray that they get to feel that and know what that is.

Love,

Mana

_______________

Dear Mana,

It's good to encourage people to turn to God, and to know that God loves them no matter what. But, when you turn people to God, be careful not to turn them, by implication, away from human love, and relationship functionality -- or to cause them to give up on that as a possibility.

There are few people -- maybe one in ten million -- who are of such a nature that they can effectively go right to God, and cut out human life almost entirely. Many spiritual seekers think they are like that, but usually, they are not.

Human love has valuable functions to play in preparing the spirit for Divine love. Because if human relationship is to be successful, it requires that we transcend our egos, open our hearts, trust, serve, and learn true compassion and humility. In this light, you can feel why the idea "only God truly loves you" is a two-edged sword. The tendency to dismiss human love is not only due to spiritual zeal -- it is often due to sour grapes, cowardice, and social dysfunction.

It is unhealthy when people try to make God replace all human needs. People often say, "Forget the world and people, and turn to God!" But that is misleading. It's almost like saying, "Don't eat physical food! Depend on God for everything!" As you know, that's not the way. It cuts too many corners off the real challenges of human loving. And furthermore, it can never work. Human beings are social creatures. It's impossible to remake what God made in such a drastic way. I know that from many years of experience in the spiritual trenches.

I have been in plenty of monasteries and spiritual groups; and in those places, among renunciates, I have seen more dysfunction and unspirituality -- lack of brotherly love -- than I care to remember. That's what I mean when I say, the idea of "God is all you need" is terribly misleading (for most people, anyway). What you get out of that dogma is millions of sad people: so-called spiritual seekers, who are extremely lonely, and emotionally depressed, all "turning to God" to get needs met that God can't fill -- not all of them. These people often don't have the strength of character or the energy they need to pursue God, because they've run away from their main source of nurturance, and of ego-transcending, character building opportunities -- human relationship.

The truth is, relationships are so hard for Sophie because her heart is so hardened -- and because functionality in love requires nothing less than true ego surrender. True love begins where egocentrism leaves off. She might feel like she's beyond these poor guys that drive her nuts, and maybe she is -- but nowhere near far enough beyond them. If she was, she would have found the love she seeks by now.

So, if Sophie wants a fresh start in life, she needs to recognize the egocentric tendencies in herself as the enemy in her earnest search for love. She needs to think of love as it is -- as something to give, not just something she wants to get, or have. She needs to live love every day, and learn to be love. Until True Love, ego-transcending love, becomes the commitment of her heart and soul, she'll stay lost in the rat race. The same is true of everybody.

The way back to sanity, for Sophie, is to find somebody who knows what love is, and who loves for real. Only a real heart master is likely to guide her out of that jam. The relationship with such a person is a love relationship -- a true prototype, and much more.

If she is willing, she should pray to God with great sincerity to find that guide. Then, commit and surrender herself to a real re-training -- no matter what it takes. And, make no mistake: that relationship can work only if she is a real, serious, committed student of such a person. But, day by precious day, if she dedicates her entire will, heart, and soul to learn what love really is, she will liberate herself from the ego treadmill, and find True Love at last.

So you see, there is a way out of that mess for people like Sophie. There is a better way, my dear Mana; there is good human love! And yes -- it is of God.

Love,

David

_______________

Dear David,

I do believe there is human love, and that it is indeed very good. Human love is God's great gift to us.

But, in my experience, human love can be dangerous if you're not really careful. It can become jealous and possessive -- an obsession that leads you to irrational, negative, selfish or cruel behavior.

What most people call love is completely selfish. Most people who are "in love" don't even know who their partner is. They just know what they want or need to get out of them. Even people who are married are like that. Sometimes guys have "fallen in love" with me, but they were only thinking about themselves. And when I refused their advances, they just became cold, cruel, or aggressive. So much for love! That has happened so many times I don't even want to list them. That's what so many people call love. It shouldn't be that way, but it is.

"Love becomes a demon when it becomes your god." And the saddest thing is, when you make love your god you lose the love for having made that choice. Then it is not true love at all, anymore. It is one of those corrupt "loves" that so many people take to represent true human love, and it takes you on a downward spiral.

What people call love is often not really love. It is their perverted idea of love. I believe true love comes from God. It can only be completely pure with Him. We as human beings can't make love perfect all by ourselves. At least, it sure doesn't seem that way.

With love,

Mana

_______________

Dear Mana,

My dear one, you have been hurt. We all have. So I want you to know that even as I champion the cause of intimacy, I am not blind to the dangers in this world, or the dangers of the world of so-called "love" relationships. My purpose is only this: to help free people enough from the past to allow for a brighter future.

A brighter future is prevented by living in fear, just as it is prevented by being naïve. Truly, a brighter future is supported by making sufficient distinctions -- distinctions between negative associations and possible dangers on the one hand, and truly good possibilities on the other. The trouble with the human mind is it tends to create muddy associations. For example, when you mention love, people will instantly start talking about blind attachment, losing their center, foolishness, and delusion. So many fear thoughts are associated with the idea of love. And when you mention relationship, people will talk about being used, abused, betrayed, and hurt. Or they will talk about being abusive themselves, possibly. Even spirituality is subject to fearful assumptions: When you mention living for God, people will talk about insane dogmatism, trance states, crazed Bible thumpers, cults, intolerance, religious wars, etc. All of this is fear talking.

But don't worry -- your tales of woe are not unwelcome. In fact, there is much to be learned by you when you are willing to relate openly about these things.

There are cycles of life, that's all. In the first cycle, you are naïve and open. Then, no matter who you are, because this planet is full of weirdness, bad things happen. After that, you become afraid. Like Sophie. Like almost everyone.

After you become afraid, you think you are wise, and appropriately cautious. But actually, you have started thinking in ways that limit you, and push others away, and create the bad magic called self-fulfilling prophecy. And, under the birds-of-a-feather-flock-together principle, you even attract like-minded people to yourself. In this case, scared people. And you find that because of their fear and your fear, love relationships cannot work -- fear is ruining it all.

Sooner or later, people see a very distressing pattern in themselves: they begin to see that they are pushing people away. And they try to love, but they find that they are too afraid to open up, so it doesn't work -- their heart doesn't work, and their body doesn't even work. That part of the cycle usually happens when people are thirty or so. So, you have a ways to go. Hopefully, you'll never reach that point. But this is what most people go through.

Then they go to counseling, where usually, the fear gets reinforced. Or, they go to religion -- and sadly enough, it can even be reinforced there. But eventually they reach a point where they see all that for what it is.

Then they begin the next phase of a cycle: letting go of fear.

Most people who write in to our website are in this particular part of the cycle. People come to us when they are aware of their own fear, and the fear of virtually everyone else, and they have come to see that fear not as a solution, but as a problem. A wise man said, "Come to me when your 'solution' has become a problem for you. Then we can start work on a real solution."

We function as a clearing house for people who are ready to get free of fear. We know both the real problems and the solutions to those real problems.

What we see is, fear may serve the purpose of self-protection, but nowadays there's another real danger -- the danger of pervasive distrust. Because of distrust, healthy human relationships are an endangered species. Many people live alone all their lives, in little boxes -- trying to be content without love, because they're too afraid to risk loving. And many people get together briefly, only to have fear rise up and dash their relationships and their hopes for love to pieces.

We have all been naïve, and we have all been hurt. And we have all become very afraid because of it. And, we have all lived in isolation because of that fear. But the worst of it is -- and this is something we deeply regret -- we have all ruined many beautiful possibilities because of it. Honestly, we have hurt innocent people with it. And we have deprived ourselves and others of love because of it.

The deeper walk of experience, in time, will show you the real dangers of fear in ways that hit very close to home. Almost everyone in this world is deeply afraid. Therefore, if things go normally for you, someday you will surely be in a relationship with someone you truly love. But, being a normal person, that wonderful soul will fear you horribly, and will even fear love horribly. By doing that, they will ruin the whole thing. After that happens ten or twenty times, and after it happens to all your friends too many times, and after you see that your friends cannot love wholeheartedly, and cannot be fulfilled because they are too scared, you will see what I see. And at that point, you will more deeply appreciate the other side of the fear issue: you will even see how fear has caused almost all the harm that ever happened to anyone.

So, it is not that I am trying to deny the dangers. I am only trying to point out that fear itself is one of the greater dangers we face today. So I say, "Live beyond fear, and trust."

I know that you understand these things already. But even so, knowledge has many levels, many depths. There is a deeper walk to walk, and that walk will surely deepen your understanding even more.

Thank you for having the courage and honesty to bring these important issues to light.

Love,

David

_______________

Dear David,

Thank you so much for that. That's lovely. Beautiful really. It moved me to tears, and I'm not a tearful person.

I see why fear drives people away from love. When you are truly one with love, completely, you are vulnerable. You care about everyone. You share every pain and every joy.

Fear is the anti-love. Because fear is all about protecting yourself from that kind of deep feeling and caring. When you love it reaches the very core of your soul, and that can be beautiful or it can really hurt. The point is that when this happens you are one with God, in Love. People avoid this perfect state because they think they are protecting themselves, but in reality they are denying themselves God's greatest gift: Love.

I'm feeling completely soft inside. Do you see? It's pure love, it makes you completely soft and even vulnerable. That's why you can't have all this fear if you want to love. Fear keeps you far away from that kind of vulnerability.

Thank you so much for everything. I understand clearly now: When people want to be in a relationship, it can either be for spiritual reasons or ego reasons. If the reasons are good then the relationship will be beautiful, but if the reasons are selfish then it will be awful and disappointing. It's up to us to bring the right spirit to it.

With love, thanks, warmth, and care,

Mana

_______________

October 2002

Dear Mana,

You said:

"I'm feeling completely soft inside. Do you see? It's pure love, it makes you completely soft and even vulnerable. That's why you can't have all this fear if you want to love. Fear keeps you far away from that kind of vulnerability."

Yes! Right on! And there is lots more to that. If you only knew what joy is waiting for you behind that door. You'll get there, dear one.

Many spiritual seekers go for God alone, and fail because they cannot realize God unless they first realize their own humanity. Therefore, you find that many people struggle to find God, and end up having to go back, and fulfill human love. That was my story.

No matter who you are, when it comes to the unfolding of Being, vulnerability and feeling stand as lions at the gate -- fear of these lions can prevent people from loving most deeply. People are "afraid to feel too much." Need is another lion. Many people do not dare need, desire, etc. They are afraid. So, they hold back and lose out on life. That decision locks them out of heaven; and it keeps them from realizing the beauty of their own soul nature. How tragic!

Obviously you can't give yourself in every way to every person. You do have to pick your shots. And there is a right way to love each person you encounter. In what I call intimacy, everything is on the table, and nothing of value is hidden or left out. It is about being exactly who you are, whatever that is, and bringing that to the party. The mystery unfolds from there. Ordinarily, even in marriage people are not themselves. They are not in the love they are trying to share. How hopeless that is! How can anyone love you if you are not being you? And how can you love except as the person you are? These things are silly. The answer is obvious. You must be 100% real, 100% you, in order to love truly.

What you said about relationships is beautiful, Mana! Without any doubt, the usefulness of everything -- including relationships -- has to do with the use we have for it. Why we're in it. What we're in it for.

When we're all settled in Light and Life, and cognizant of what is spiritually obvious, there will be no question as to what relationship should be, and is. We will hold all these truths to be self-evident, for there is no disagreement in the Truth. My prayer is this: that we strive to get a bit more healed, more aware, and less separate, so that we can see the good uses of relationship more clearly. Thereafter, we will be much more attracted to create and use relationships in the very ways that God intended. That fine day will dawn!

Love,

David

_______________

Dear David,

You're so right! I can't be myself if I'm not willing to be vulnerable, and give my heart, because then I am always trying to control who I am, and what I express in order to be "safe." And I can't be love if I'm always trying to control the love I feel. Wow!

I wrote this poem today. I wanted you to see it.

 

Hope, the Fallen Ballerina

She danced alone

underneath dark skies.

She moved like running water.

Fallen ballerina,

she danced alone.

Wilting like a flower,

she fell

up to heaven

to dance among angels.

 

Love,

Mana

_______________

David sent this back:

 

Encore, encore!

Alone

she swayed

reed in the wind

withered and dyed

as promised.

So I left her all by myself.

But that was then

and This is Now.

So twirl again

once more

with feeling

with your revered tutu flying

all a round.

You haven't danced alone

since We are.

So,

encore!

Twirl and sigh

fall en tournant.

And up again from there

to dance among the angels

reborn.

And this time

don't forget

Charity

the risen ballerina

falling from the sky

sun kissed

like missed

like do

to bring heaven

to earth

for the flowers.

then you can

take your bow

so low

with gratitude

and take your roses

from me

and have it be

you and me

we and He

all the time

One!

One time for real

encore

forevermore

I love you

my sweet ballerina

more

than you'll ever no.

 

Love,

David

 

WindSky Chapter 5

WindSky - Table of Contents

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