Tru Stories

WindSky

Chapter 3 - How to overcome reactivity
and stabilize in higher consciousness

Dear David,

I have some good news! My mom is doing much better. She's looking pink even. And it looks like she may come home very soon. The doctors say they think she will be fine, as long as she has proper healing time. She will definitely have proper healing time. We are going to give her the best relaxation we can, and when she's up for it we'll pamper her like the queen she is.

Finally, I think I will get some sleep.

Finding love is a huge adventure. There are so many surprises and wonderful discoveries. It's like a bunch of hidden treasures that you can only find if you look hard enough inside yourself. Your words are like my treasure map. I'm finding so many new parts of myself now, and so many parts of love. I think that love is the source of life, and that is why I feel more alive now than I ever have.

So nice to be as I am now. I'm not scared to tell anyone that I love them and care about them. I am able to trustingly open my heart to all that is good and let it rush in. I feel as if there is no need to fight any lower impulses, because good and love and God are filling me up so fast and so strong that the bad ideas and feelings have no chance.

It seems the more frequently you commit yourself to good, the easier it becomes to keep doing good, because you become attached to it. All the misery, confusion and other crap now looks like a squashed bug.

I feel elated about life. This feeling seems to have wrapped around me like a warm, soft blanket; and it's also bursting out of me and exploding inside me -- a long explosion with an intensity that never dies. It is a combination of love, understanding, closeness to everyone and everything, boundless energy, and a huge eagerness to do. I feel like there is so much good that I am ready to do. I feel like a charged battery just waiting to be used. The only difference is, a battery is drained of its energy when it is used, but every time I "do," I feel even more full, more energetic, and more ready.

My beautiful friend, you have led me to a place that I never would have dreamed of. You've given me the greatest gift that a person could ever give. Please smile with me when you get this message, I want to share this with you.

With love and smiles and joy,

Mana

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Dear Mana,

You seem to understand that the totality of your being is what loves. This is the sacrifice love makes. It is simple, and perfect. It is good that you understand that.

You wrote:

"It seems the more frequently you commit yourself to good, the easier it becomes to keep doing good, because you become attached to it."

Yes.

And...

To have it, you must keep choosing and choosing it. Especially because your habits of mind are still somewhat working against you.

This great state you presently enjoy is no mystery, of course. You have been loving, and conscious. That has created this high state of consciousness in you.

This is the spiritual law: To keep walking on the high wire, you have to play the high stakes game. That means, love and give unstintingly. Throw your whole self in. Hold back nothing. That is what I do, and I invite others to do the same. The issue for you is, having realized love, what are you going to do? Will you love in the ways of which you are capable, or will you withhold? Good question.

My friends have spent years learning to stabilize a high state of consciousness. Most of them haven't achieved complete stability yet. The roller coaster effect comes from:

1. A wandering heart. Your loyalties waver as your attention wavers. What you invest in. What you are true to. What you believe/feel. What you connect to or disconnect from. Etc. All this changes things for you.

2. Mental indiscipline. That means: You have thoughts of different types, and you may be inclined to buy into low thoughts at lower places. When that happens, you fall down, and you feel lost.

Loyalty of heart and mental discipline are crucial to whether you will keep this state. Without those, even though you may be attached to this state, you will lose it, and you will have to earn it back. It will be gone by tomorrow -- unless you are fully committed to mental discipline and loyalty of heart.

I celebrate your good fortune to have gotten to this peak. It is a very good thing, isn't it?

Love,

David

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Dear David,

I see what you say. I think to keep this beautiful feeling I have to keep concentrating on God, love, and all the beautiful truths of the world as you have described them to me. I need to put my whole self into love and keep nothing separate from it. The point of life is to love and love generously, because love is generous by nature, but if you aren't generous with love then love won't be generous with you. If I give myself to love, then love will give itself to me, and I also have to receive love just as I wish love would receive me.

Love is too big to be thought of as just another part of life, it demands to be known for what it is and treated accordingly, love is all of life, love is everything. And therefore, it requires that we give it everything.

I'm learning to discipline my mind against the tendency to react badly to things I see, or that happen around me. South Africa is so full of crime and tragedy, it's hard not to feel too sad about it sometimes.

And high school is equally tragic. This last year I have drifted away from many of the people that used to be my friends, because things happened that I couldn't feel good about. Somebody died, because people were drunk and acting stupid -- and none of them particularly changed their lives because of that. And a lot of other smaller things happened that were just mean-spirited, careless and destructive. After a while I just I didn't feel like I could relate to them anymore.

I'm trying to prepare myself for school on Monday. I've been away from school for the last while, to be with my mom. It's so easy to keep choosing good in a serious situation that you care about, because you're constantly praying to God, and committing yourself to doing what's best. I'm worried that on Monday, the trivialness of a day in class and the expectations of everybody for me to be outrageous will tear me down, because I won't be alert enough to defend my state of being.

I think it would be best for me to concentrate on the little things. Good little things like making people smile, or some small way of making them happy. You told me this before and I understood it completely, but now I'm understanding it more deeply.

What are your thoughts about that? Do you remember school that way? It has a way of distracting you from what's important, I find.

I've been inspired to live my life for the greater good of mankind. I want to do something that benefits people in love, truth, freedom, peace and unity. Even if I can't help that many people in my lifetime, if I help as many as I can, that will be enough. In order to do this I have to become love, therefore it's my duty to become love. It's something I feel obliged to do for God and man. It makes me feel so excited sometimes to think of how I could help people if I just watched my feet properly, without falling down. Lately you have been watching my feet for me, I thank you for that. It's been teaching me how to do it, too. Someday I shall be able to watch somebody else's feet for them as well as my own.

Love is so huge that not only can it hold me together, but it can hold other people together through me (as has happened from you towards me), and if mankind was willing, it could hold us all together as one big humanity. That, I think, is what I have to be a part of. If love achieves this goal through me, even in a small way, then my life has been meaningful.

Love,

Mana

P.S. By the way, if you don't mind telling me, what do you do away from the computer? (eg: family, job, relationships of all kinds, etc.)

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Dear Mana,

You said:

"Love is too big to be thought of as just another part of life, it demands to be known for what it is and treated accordingly, love is all of life, love is everything. And therefore, it requires that we give it everything."

Yes! Absolutely true. And by the same token, you find that every part of you belongs to love, and can be used positively to further the cause of love, in one way or another. You speak about finding love, and that is true in a way, but also, you are love. You will come to see that what you have found is you.

It is good to hear you speak of your desire to serve humanity. As I said to your father, if you got yourself together, I think you really could do that. And you are right -- in order to do that, you must be love. And, you must overcome the ego and its negative reactions. You are also right that it is the duty of all of us to love humanity.

You asked what I do. I serve humanity. That's about all I do. I've been doing that full time for more than twenty years. I am not married, and I don't have any kids. But my friends are my spiritual family. And I also have the entire human family, which I serve.

Over the years, I have written 30,000 to 40,000 pages about spirituality and psychology. That's part of what I have been doing. I also have 4,000 audio tapes of talks I gave on various subjects. Some of what is on the web site is transcriptions of those talks.

Then, I have this family of my friends. People here are going through changes all the time, so I talk to them a lot, both in person and on the phone. Our lives are a constant exploration. Much of the exploration is about love itself: What is love, how do we live love, etc. The people are constantly feeling through these things for themselves. They've been doing this for years. We are a work team, and also a growth team. We are trying to grow personally and help the humanity all at once. That's what we do.

As part of helping the humanity, we create the web site together. And most of the people give courses, and be mentors to people all over the world. I counsel people who come to me for help, as long as they are interested and up for it. So, between all of it, I am busy most of the time doing things for people. I do what should be done, if I can.

I understand the pain of living in such a crazy environment. It's your job to remain strong, and be a light where you are. You do that by loving, and by keeping your mind on bright things. That way, through you, those around you will get to experience something different than what they are used to. Okay?

You said:

"I see what you say. I think to keep this beautiful feeling I have to keep concentrating on God, love, and all the beautiful truths of the world as you have described them to me... I'm trying to prepare myself for school on Monday."

Exactly! That's exactly how to prepare yourself. And, it's also what to do while you are doing other things in school, too.

"It's so easy to keep choosing good in a serious situation that you care about, because you're constantly praying to God, and committing yourself to doing what's best. I'm worried that on Monday, the trivialness of a day in class..."

The solution to that is to realize that school is just as serious a situation as any. Everywhere, everything is a distraction of some kind. Your bottom on the chair is a distraction, if you let it be! Your runaway mind is certainly a huge distraction.

But if you are committed, and if you see that every moment is serious -- a life and death moment of whether you are going to be trivial or God-conscious -- then you get what life is about, for everyone. So, take it seriously. Go through life more conscientiously. Don't blow it off, or sleep through it. Live through each day very intentionally.

Also, when I was in school, I found that the biggest distraction was inside me. It was my crazy, jumping mind -- like a Mexican jumping bean! Keep it simple. Realize that just keeping your lower mind junk -- your fretting, and so forth -- is the biggest danger. Not what's going on "out there," but what's going on inside you.

"...and the expectations of everybody for me to be outrageous will tear me down, because I won't be alert enough to defend my state of being."

By worrying about that, you are creating that. If you prepare yourself by cultivating worry and concern, you are preparing yourself for ugliness. You get what you expect! You attract to yourself what you meditate on. We call that self-fulfilling prophecy. The worst of it is, when you worry this way, you are creating what you think is an outer problem, but it is really an inner problem, projected outside of you. You are creating and feeding the fear and concern that causes these problems.

So, instead of worrying about what you will do, why not just commit to doing the right thing? Take responsibility. Stop creating your own undoing. Do not weaken yourself by dwelling on fear thoughts of any kind -- about them, about you, or anything else. Know that you are heading down a bad road whenever you create worry and fear -- and simply refuse to do that. Quit it as soon as you start it. Then, instead, return your mind immediately to the real program: Remember truth, remember God, and do good. That is your proper responsibility. Take responsibility!

You will have to correct these habits over and over, but that's what it's like until the good habits become established. If you give the old habits an inch, they'll take a mile. That's why disciplining the mind tightly is so important. Take responsibility!

Your mind is the ultimate creative force in your life -- by far. The rest is truly trivial by comparison. Get this, and live accordingly, and you'll be fine.

Love,

David

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Dear David,

It sounds like you have a busy life, and a beautiful life.

"Remember truth, remember God, and do good."

I'll keep that in mind. I'll run those words through my head at least a hundred times over the next few days if I can manage to keep thinking about it.

You're right. Going to school isn't really a problem. It has some challenges, but so does all of life. I really just have to keep doing what is right, and that is to love and thank God. I knew that. I just didn't think of it when presented with the situation at hand.

Last night my friend Monica had an interesting dream about me. In her dream I came to school with three little girls, and she asked me, "Why've you brought kids to school?" I told her that I'd started a new holiday club. (This is something that the church arranges. They take lots of children to a camp so that they can learn how to pray and commune with God.) Apparently everyone in the dream was wondering why I would have brought my holiday club to school. Weird huh? I don't know what it means, but I thought it was interesting.

I've been thinking, I said that I would like to help people some day. I'm thinking that a good way to do that would be to look after people who have no one else to look after them. People who are poor and sick, or children who have no one to take care of them. I could love them, and help them have a good experience of life.

What do you think? Do you think I'm up for that kind of work? Tell me your thoughts on my plan for the future. I've never actually had any plans up until now. What do you think? Where would you see me in 10 years?

Love,

Mana

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Dear Mana,

Yes, Monica had an interesting dream, all right. I don't know what it means either, but if a holiday club is for learning to pray and commune with God, you have certainly been practicing that at school, haven't you?

You have done great work. You have absorbed far more than most people could. That is awesome. You've even, I think, gotten over some of your instability just now. Now that we've reached this point, something needs to change.

To be exact, right now, depending on so much of my energy and advice is not necessary or helpful for you. It will not make you stronger now. What you need to do is build your own spiritual muscle.

Therefore, I think you are full -- you have had enough for now.

So, here's my advice: Take the rest of this month off from me. Cold turkey on me. No correspondence whatsoever. During this month, spend the time digesting what you have learned, and putting things into practice.

We have done fabulous things. This is not a rejection. It is just a concession to the fact that you need some time to digest and practice independently.

Here's what to do on this vacation. Love your parents, be good to your sisters, and take care of people by doing things for them, like taking care of things around the house, etc. And most important, sit down regularly, in meditation, and love them in your heart. You can build your own personal strength that way.

After this month, you can write to me some more. In September. Okay? I look forward to hearing from you.

If you have any questions about this, write to me. I will answer those questions before we embark on this new phase.

Love,

David

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Dear David,

That was a little unexpected, I have to admit. I see what you're saying though. Thank you for everything. I have no more questions. I'll talk to you in a while.

Love,

Mana

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Dear Mana,

I apologize for the suddenness of the suggestion to take time off, but it couldn't be helped. When it's time, it's time. I appreciate your gracious acceptance of your "vacation."

I forgot to answer a question you asked in your previous letter:

"What do you think? Do you think I'm up for that kind of work?"

Oh, you certainly can do the work you want to do. Absolutely! Needless to say, I have great faith in your potential. As I said in that note to your father, you have the potential to be a bright spiritual light, a strong helper of humanity. But it will take time to see how you carve your path.

The work you have to do now -- if you want to do it -- is somewhat with people (loving them and helping them), but the main purpose of the work, for now, is to refine yourself and purify yourself, so that you can grow up spiritually, and do better work with people in the future. Whether you take on that work, and how much energy and consistency and faith you put into it, is all up to you. Free will is everything. There is no real pressure to be anything! It's all up to you! Always!

You wrote:

"Tell me your thoughts on my plan for the future. I've never actually had any plans up until now. What do you think? Where would you see me in 10 years time?"

I think it's too soon to tell. Your future depends on many decisions you have not yet made. And, you will always have free will. But I will say this much: Where you are in ten days could resemble where you will be in ten years. So, if I were you, I would not procrastinate, I would seize the moment! If you know what you want to be now, why not just be it? In that sense, it can be good to do today what we might otherwise put off until tomorrow -- or next year.

Life is determined by free choice. Choices arise every day. There are many many many free choices for you to make on the path ahead. On the dark side of those choices, there is pride, control, and lower mind. On the bright side of those choices, there is higher mind, love, Godly surrender, and real thinking. Your destiny will be the result of the average choice you make. That's true for everyone.

The ball is in your court now.

Love,

David

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September 2002

Dear David,

It's been a while. I have some news. I've decided to become a Christian. I've had the opportunity to talk to many ministers lately, and I've found that, although I still accept other religions as communication with God, for me, Christianity is the best way.

You'll never guess what. They've made their diagnosis, and they're now calling me a Borderline personality. Something I didn't know about me.

Borderline Personality Disorder: A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and mood, and marked impulsivity.

This is not something that I'm going to think too much of. I'm the same person that I was before, whether they call me that or not. I'm going on a whole bunch of treatment. They say it has no negative effects.

I don't really have much to say. Actually there's a lot to say, I just don't know which things to say first, but I want to hear from you. What do you think about chemical treatment? Do you think it's okay?

Love,

Mana

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Dear Mana,

Good to hear from you.

I think that Christianity is a good path for you for now. I think the teachings of Jesus about love -- both human and Divine -- are most awesome. Although many churches do not do full justice to the love aspects of his teaching, any person who wholeheartedly seeks to live as Jesus recommended, and lived, could not have a better role model. Also, I can easily see you pursuing your spiritual service ambitions within the Christian Church.

You asked me what I think of chemical treatment, so I'll tell you. The short version of what I think is this:

For most people, the chemical path is a way of cutting corners on personal responsibility. It's a cheap short cut, and short cuts almost always make people weaker, not stronger, in this drug-crazy society. That's the gist of what I think.

I probably contributed to this by helping you go through some real changes that they took to be evidence of instability -- another mood swing. Sorry about that. Oh well, it's all water over the dam now.

Borderline Personality Disorder is hardly a real diagnosis -- it's really just a catch-all phrase to cover a wide range of conditions they don't understand hardly at all. People need labels for things they don't understand. BPD is a nice handy label. Hardly worth the paper it's printed on, but it's a nice label, because it effectively conveys the illusion of knowing. "What's wrong with me, doctor?" "Well, you have BPD." "Thank you, doctor -- I'm so glad to know what's wrong with me." Anyhow, BPD happens to be a psychiatric fad in recent years. Both psychology and treatment run in fads, you know. Always have, and always will. It would be nice if the faddish treatment they give you isn't too injurious.

One of the many uses of that BPD label, by the way, is to refer to people like you -- people who have enough energy to make other people feel uncomfortable. The chemical help will work primarily in such a way as to reduce your actual spark.

Society knows not what they do -- literally. It's all very well intentioned, but this idea of "no side effects" is laughable when they are talking about drugs strong enough to make a difference. What they are really referring to is gross side effects -- not all side effects. To be more honest, they should say: "We are not aware of the side effects this treatment may have." No one -- and I mean no one -- can say that they know what all the side effects are of psycho-active drugs.

The joke is, millions of fifteen year-olds have this kind of problem. Hormones rage. Read the diaries of 80% of teenagers, and you'll realize they all have BPD. They have all the symptoms. Unstable relationships? They are almost all in love one week, and in hate the next. And they blow off their friends with alarming frequency. Their self-images are unstable, and they have all kinds of mood swings. This is what being a teenager is all about. So what are they going to do now -- chemically treat them all for "adolescence"? You are over the top, no doubt -- but that's no reason to drug you. Not if you can get a grip, anyhow. In extreme cases of truly violent people, drugs may be necessary. But for people who aren't really threatening to that degree, it's usually both stupid and cowardly.

I saw a study of teenage development on TV yesterday. This female clinical psychologist was talking about teenage girls conflicting with their parents and others. She said, "I don't know of any teenagers who were not argumentative, secretive, and combative in relationship to their parents and others. This is part of growing up." Unstable relationships, much? And remember, she's talking about all! Wow!

For now, consider yourself labeled, but don't consider yourself understood. They have no idea what's wrong with you, much less about who you are.

Conventional approaches are only symptomatic at best -- which is less than nothing. It's really just a way of masking something. They say they are getting to the chemical causes of psychological problems, but they know nothing about the real causes of the problems they treat.

Without a doubt, energy and mental indiscipline combine to change blood chemistry, and also to create mood swings. Now they want to bring those mood swings down. With the right drugs, and with enough drugs, they figure the "problem" can be solved -- and they can turn a high-spirited thoroughbred horse into a dull and manageable plow pony!

What you really need to do is stabilize your life and emotions yourself. And it is mostly by means of mental discipline that you can do that. Control your mind, and you can be stable. You can reduce the mood swings. You can get a grip on all the things they need you to have a grip on. And, that would be the very best way to go -- by taking personal responsibility.

Otherwise, you have to become a chemically dependent person -- and then, someday, probably with great fear and insecurity, you have to kick the habit.

Even if you are "just a kid," you're plenty smart enough to think for yourself. Therefore, you should choose whether you want to become chemically dependent or not. You should retain control over your life. You might think it's too late, because you've already surrendered to it, but it's not.

Do not go gently into that good night, my dear girl.

Love,

David

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Dear David,

I hear you. I'm so glad you said that. I had hoped that you could help me the way you did. I must admit that I needed some reassurance.

Here's where I stand: They offered me the treatments: Serenace, Tegretol and Zoloft. At first I objected almost too passionately. I was upset. My parents felt that that was another symptom of my "disorder." Eventually, I said I'd research the medications that they want me to take on-line. But my dad was afraid I'd end up with very paranoid views from reading the Internet. He said, "If you were to look up the side effects of an aspirin, you would never take an aspirin again," and then told me that it isn't such a big dose, anyway.

I haven't started taking the drugs yet, fortunately. This issue has been the cause of very passionate arguments between me and my parents. To put it mildly, I am reluctant. They have very good intentions, I must admit, and they won't force me into anything, but they are convinced that I should take this medicine for my own good.

Anyway, I can't say that I know anything about psychiatry, but your advice is very much appreciated. I will take your advice and talk to my parents.

With love and thanks,

Mana

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Dear Mana,

I think you learned some lessons there:

When you think anyone (especially authorities) is telling you you're nuts, control yourself. Always respond in the most sane and intelligent way possible. That way, you won't reinforce their feeling that you're nuts.

And: Like I said, control your temper and your mind absolutely. Take control. If you don't do that, they will have real reasons to put you on drugs. So don't give them reasons. That's your part of the bargain: to behave in a smart, cool, and good manner in all things.

I know that can be difficult at times, but if you do the love meditation I taught you regularly, that will help you keep your head safely above the level where you react like an animal, etc. It's all about what level you keep yourself on, you see. What you're vulnerable to always depends on that. That's why it's up to you to keep yourself up.

And, now that you're a Christian, in every situation, when something happens and you are tempted to react badly, you can ask yourself a popular question used by Christians around here: W.W.J.D.? (What Would Jesus Do?) Whatever it is, do that instead of anything stupid.

Good.

Love,

David

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Dear David,

Thanks for the advice. I've had some trouble with overcoming reactivity, but what can I expect, I've been an extremely moody and temperamental person since I was a toddler. Old habits die hard.

I've talked to my parents. At first they didn't seem to like it, but finally I said, "I honestly believe that I can pull myself together without chemical treatment." They figured that if I believe it, then that's the best thing possible, so they're going to give me a chance. The deal is, if I continue to act in ways that seem out of control then I go on the treatment.

So I have to pull myself together, and fast. I've been doing this thing lately. Whenever I feel as if I'm going to react badly to something, I ask God to come and be with me. It works extraordinarily. God has an endless capacity to love and be patient, and at these times He is giving some of that to me, and all I have to do is ask.

These last two days, the conversation between you and I has been about things that are not that great to talk about, although necessary for the time being. Now I really miss hearing your thoughts on God and love and all of that much better part of everything. I would love to put all this behind us, and hear from you on all of that again.

With love, Mana

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Dear Mana,

Sounds like you got out of the drugs. Great! Now at least you can think with a regular, unaltered mind. Hell, drugs aren't that bad. If it happens you can deal with it -- people can survive all kinds of things. But I thought it was well worth putting my all into helping you avoid drugs if possible. Human beings are best off with pure self-control.

It's good that you are taking refuge in God, frequently. That is helpful. But it's also important to remember: although God will meet you three quarters of the way, personal responsibility is still essential. You don't want to leave out that ingredient. It's human nature to make God responsible for everything -- including the parts we had better do ourselves. Unfortunately, those tendencies represent not just faith in God, but also inadequate self-reliance, inadequate faith in oneself, and inadequate personal responsibility.

I had this Christian friend. He was one of those dysfunctional guys who kept on getting and losing jobs, because he would be late all the time, and he had a bad attitude towards work. He used to pray to God constantly to get him a job, and I guess God did get him a job -- many jobs -- but my friend got himself fired from all of them. That shows where God leaves off and my friend begins, doesn't it? There was no way God could keep my friend from being a jerk at work! So, God points you in the right direction, but you have to run with the ball. Like in this case, you have to call on God, and you have to keep your mind well disciplined.

Part of your responsibility is to keep yourself in a higher place. It's easier to control your mind when you're in a higher place. From a lower place, your perspective is smaller, and self-discipline is more difficult. Never expect to live a life on the edge, and count on God, and have God bail you out effectively all the time. That cannot work, and does not work. Yes? It's your responsibility to stay up.

Religion or no religion, every person still has to decide how they, personally, will live: how much of their lives will they give to Christ, and how much will they give to ego? Christ says, "Either you gather with me, or you scatter asunder." That means, divided loyalties are problematical. A wholehearted life of dedication to spiritual values is the life that Christ came here to demonstrate, and to recommend to man.

That's why the question, "What would Jesus do?" is a good, important question. It is important to follow the path as Jesus would have done.

I know you've had trouble with self-control, even as a child. But you need to have faith in your ability to change. To question that ability is the root cause of failure. It weakens people. So instead, say to yourself, "I can do my part. God will guide me and help me, but I can and must walk the walk." That is the proper cooperative relationship between man and God.

You said:

"The deal is, if I continue to act in ways that seem out of control then I go on the treatment."

Well, you'll have to cross that bridge if you come to it. The thing is, make up your mind: I will control myself.

And this practice is very good:

"Whenever I feel as if I'm going to react badly to something, I ask God to come and be with me."

This is a very good time for you, however difficult it is. You are a work in progress. Unformed. Things will come clear to you, in stages, over time. I think you're doing okay, little tiger. Be brave and strong. You will make it through!

Love,

David

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Dear David,

You always know what to say. How long did you have to search before you found yourself to be like that? You are a real blessing.

Lately I've really opened myself up to God, and I've been able to feel His Character in me, working through me. It's really something. Of course, you know how it feels.

Thank you again for your guidance.

With love,

Mana

 

WindSky Chapter 4

WindSky - Table of Contents

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