Celebrate Death
Click for audio

David: You know what would be the world's coolest job in the world? I'd like to work as an undertaker in a mortuary. And deal with the bereaved as they came in and out everyday. To sympathize and shit like this. That'd be, like, totally cool.

R: Well it could be a great service. It could totally be a great service.

David: Our sympathies go out to you the bereaved, on this day of your loss. Because your pal croaked. But you know, he was probably an asshole; he's probably better off pushing daisies -- you know what I mean? Hey! Look on the bright side: the guy was a jerk! Okay? Let's be real about this. You've got a lot to look forward to, now the guy's gone. You know? I'm sure there's things about this guy you really hated. I'm sure there's a part of you that inwardly is celebrating this great day in which this guy dropped dead.

So let's join hands today in celebration of the passing of this total jerk. People say, "Hey, the planet's better off without Harry, he was a jerk. He hurt everybody. He was mean to people. He was mean to his wife, his beloved children. He was mean to his relatives. He was mean to his friends. Let's face it. We're all better off now that Harry's passed on to his hellish reward. He got what he deserved, the creep. Here, have a cold one on us."

That's it. From the Mortuary of the Chimes, joining you in your celebration today.

See, it's all about looking on the bright side. Nobody does this anymore. All these naysayers and doomsayers. Doom and gloom, cup-half-empty people. Here I am trying to make this a better and more brighter cheerful world. You know? I'm saying, look: you've got plenty to celebrate -- Harry's dead!

I don't know, am I the only optimist around in this world? Am I the only one who looks on the bright side of things, who sees the half-full part of the cup of life? You know, all these stupid motherfuckers are dying everyday. Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you people? You're always looking at the gloom side, like: "Granny's gonna live." "Oh no!" Why are you doing that? "Harry's gonna live. He had his fourth triple bypass surgery, now he's gonna live for another two years." "Oh no! Aw Jesus!" Why are you so pessimistic? He'll die someday. Why should you focus on the half empty part of the cup? He won't live forever, you know.

What we need is more optimists coming through this world like myself, who can point out what's really good about what's happening every day.

This is your optimist report. See ya! And, keep it real!

We're trying to keep it real here at WREEL. And what people don't understand for the most part is, the bright spot on the horizon, one of the brightest, is the fact that everybody dies. This is what's really the good news, is the fact that all these stupid sonofabitches die. God planned that, you know. Praise God today with me:

Thank You for making sure that all these stupid motherfuckers die! I raise my heart with gratitude to You today, Lord.

Now pray with me.

May they all leave us alone. Leave us in peace. May they receive their goddamn heavenly reward when they go meet their maker: Satan. You know, Harry dies. The rest in peace. The rest of us are in peace now that Harry's dead. Tell the truth. Tell a friend.

I know there's a lot of people in the spiritual community who are already hip to what I'm saying. They're celebrating death. Death being a transition to a better life, death being the liberation from the body, right? It's all part of the natural cycle: The little shoot grows up, the little flower appears, the little lawn mower comes down -- BAM! Cuts their fucking head off! Dead. Okay! That's the life cycle. And it goes on to its heavenly reward and reincarnates as a lizard or something, you know. That's what happens. Reincarnating flowers as a lizard, right? And then as some kind of juvenile delinquent, you know, then as the President of the United States. And then there's eventually as a person on zaadz.

And I'm saying, that is the life cycle. And we celebrate death for giving us all these new beginnings to shed the old tired clothes, and start out with a new outfit. A new beginning. Beautiful.

As death gives rise to life, life gives rise to death, death gives rise to life, life gives rise to death -- the eternal cycle. Life and death, growing and becoming, and dying and fading. Mmmmm. That's the way it goes. And so today we celebrate the death part of it. We celebrate the part that gets rid of the assholes! Today, this is our focus of the speech for today, our focus on the beauty of death, and our love of dying.

We celebrate today the Grim Reaper, who's really not so bad. He's your friend! Just like, there you are, somebody's got you by the throat or something. You yell and scream a whole bunch -- boom! Some guy comes out of the blue and gets that guy off your back. Okay? That's what the Grim Reaper is. The Grim Reaper is your personal savior in your time of need, if you outlive your friends.

So I'm saying, celebrate death. Feel good about it. I feel good about it, can't you?

You lovely being, you're part of the entire cycle. Right? Yes. And there are parts of this cycle that would really improve your impact on this planet. But it's up to you, friends, to decide which part it is. Is it the birth part that would improve the planet? Or is it the death part, in your case?

I'll let you make up your mind about that. That's your karma! I'll leave you with that message for today. Live and die happy. Good day.

close window